he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
