I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
