he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
