I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
