He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
