It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Four minutes until I can fart!
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize