I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
