i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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