My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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