i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
