Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
