my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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