Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
