So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i will never coherently bang her
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
