After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
