the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Couch. On fire.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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