I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
