hotel room ftw
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
