Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
