Kareoke will never be a sober sport
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
