Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
