Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize
