woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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