you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
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My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
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So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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