I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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