I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
