Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
