Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
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I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
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I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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