If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
