If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
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We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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