Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
