Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
