my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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