life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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