I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
