Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
My dick has a subreddit
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
