Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
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Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
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Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
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