There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
