you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
