If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
