So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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