Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
