We named our party play list daddy issues
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
