I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
