i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
