Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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