my phone needs a breathalizer
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
