i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I can't put those talents on a resume
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
