Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
