***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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