i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
