from now on my penis is your penis
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Randomize
