I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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