So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
