why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
