she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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