He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Randomize
