I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
