He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
